We’ve received some mail and questions asking about the Kinkier side of sex and questions about BDSM; here is an introduction. Much of the following is fact, a few points are my opinion from direct experience. We welcome all questions and debate.
BDSM is short for Bondage, Dominance and Sadomasochism. Some also feel s/M stands for submissive or slave and Master. Others feel “S” also stands for Switch.
BDSM Symbol Flag
Bondage - To be restrained. Either by force of another person, by bonds (cuffs/rope etc) or mentally with restrictions of your actions (ie If your partner tells you to not masturbate till they say so).
Dominance - To take the lead role. If someone tells you they consider themselves a Master, Mistress, Dominant, Dominatrix, Dom, Domme, Domina, or Top it means they have the upper hand in the Power Exchange (PE) relationship. PE is the root to BDSM, if one person didn’t trust and give up their power to another to keep and keep safe the relationship wouldn’t exist.
Submissive - a person who gives up their power, and “gives it” to the Dominant person. This requires alot of trust and communication. If someone says they are a sub, submissive, slave, or bottom it means they follow a Dominant’s lead. ex) slave, bottom, subbie, girl, pet, boi…
Sadist - Is a person who likes to dole out pain, humiliation, and cruelty and gets satisfaction from it.
Masochist - Is the flip side to that coin, they ENJOY the pain, humiliation and cruelty. Starting to see a pattern? One cannot be without the other. If you’re in a situation where this duality does not exist, leave the situation.
whips, paddles, crop and paddle brush… common BDSM tools.
Switch – A person who can sit on the fence and play both sides of the D/s coin. They love doling out pain, as much as they like receiving it and they like playing the Top role as often as they enjoy playing a submissive one.
Master/slave relationships are often far more extreme than a Dominant/submissive relationship…which are usually more extreme than a Top/bottom relationship. Personally, I feel there is a HUGE difference in education, practice and skill between a Master and a Top, same for slave and bottom.
SSC is short for Safe, Sane and Consensual. “On the BDSM rack”, this is a must. Without it, it is abuse. Period. If you do not ask for or condone an action, someone is violating your rights, body and mind. Either correct the person if it was an honest mistake or leave the person immediately.
Mistakes are avoided by communication about limits, what you are willing to do, what you are willing to try and what you will never try. Things that are “nevers” are called hard limits. Setting up limits before play/scenario and talking about the things you love and hate is important because during play/scene the words you use in normal conversation might not translate correctly. There are checklists out there to go over if you want too.
Example: Play Rape is the fantasy version of a Rape; a common role play. If you say ” no no! STOP!” it might excite your partner instead of stop what is happening.
Instead, a safe word is said. These words have NOTHING to do with play, or sex. Pick a safe word and agree on it. “Pineapple” is a good one, in the movie/book CHOKE the word “Poodle” was used. The most common, universal safe word is RED. Meaning, of course, STOP immediately. YELLOW is also used when a sub feels the play needs to slow down a little but can still continue. If you can’t talk for whatever reason, hold a ball in your hand – if you throw it, the message is clear. STOP!
Yes, that’s right, WHEN THE SUB FEELS THE PLAY NEEDS TO SLOW DOWN. Did you really think Dominants held the power in a PE relationship? Nope, you are mistaken. Without the submissive’s permission, Dominants would just seem like bullies. Great submissives are strong willed, have a mind of their own and often question authority in their regular every day Vanilla (plain, boring, regular, routine, nothing added…like Vanilla Ice Cream) life. Be careful with submissive people who are submissive in the bedroom though, sometimes a weak self esteem combines with the thought that they HAVE TO BE submissive in bed too… this is potentially dangerous behavior.
If a subbie starts to be a smart ass during a scene they might be labeled a SAM (smart ass masochist) or be accused of Topping from the Bottom (T/b) … results will vary. I’d probably give a quick spank to remind them who is “Boss.” :) During a scene, the Dominant holds the control and if the submissive tries to guide action in their favor it is seen as T/b.
And there in lies one of the big differences between Kinky people, and BDSMers.
If you like rough sex and have a few fetishes, you have good potential to be a BDSMer, but usually it just means you like kinky rough sex. Careful though, you might get picked up by a BDSMer (who has a much deeper love, understanding and need for a PE relationship) who will call you their Vanilla Conversion Project -VCP.
Another big difference between kinky people and BDSMers is sex itself. Many scenes have little to do with having sex, and often don’t even end in orgasm. Don’t get me wrong though, when they do it is pretty damn awesome!
Over GLBT rainbow you’ll find Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transexual, Transgender, Queer and those who are Questioning their sexuality (Sorry if I forgot anyone, it isn’t intentional but all those colors are hard to remember without a fun acronym like ROYGBIV :). But each group of these people are very separate entities, fighting and living for the same cause – their sexuality, preferences and acceptance.
Hung on the the BDSM rack you will find the same thing going on… and even some crossing over, yay! I love me a gay leather daddy bear to befriend! Or even a bisexual swinging female kinkster to bed!
People often put fetishists -people who love and need a certain non sexual practice/item to be present to get them sexually satisfied and fashionistas -people who love getting dressed up; usually in themed garments… but usually refer to people in gothic/industrial clothing…on the rack too because they have no where else to categorize them.
Most BDSMers have accepted this. If a person has a foot fetish or LOVE to wear latex clothing they aren’t also a BDSMer by default, even though there are BDSMers who have a foot fetish or LOVE to wear latex clothing.
Example of a fetish often put on the BDSM rack:
Furries- People who dress up like animals and anthropomorphize them. There are Fur Conventions, websites, and even toy sites dedicated to this Fetish. They often feel a deep affinity for the animal and feel they have some of the same character traits aka “Fursona”. Furries who are Foxes find themselves clever, sneaky and playful… those who feel they are Squirrels find themselves “attracted” to shiney things, quick minded, and cute.
You might recognize this episode of CSI, they helped put Furs on the mainstream map. Furries have their own set of rules, kinks, and even words to go along with their actions. Are some of them gay? sure. Are some of them into BDSM? yep. Are they BDSMers? not always.
Are BDSMers offended? no. Do uneducated people think Furries are sick people who fuck animals? yes. Is this assumption/jump usually wrong? yes. Just like there are fucking idiots out there who assume GLBT will lead to Child Molestation and BDSM will lead to Incest.
Want to figure out if you’re a Kinky person, Fetishist or BDSMer? Watch or read The Story of O, watch Secretary, read The Beauty Trilogy, poke around on Literotica.com stories or message boards or look at images on Kink.com and see how you feel. Those are considered exploration 101; not absolute prime examples. Heck, shoot me a message here, Facebook or Twitter and we’ll help you figure things out!
<3 Jane
PS. Fetlife.com seems to be the Facebook of BDSM.
If you meet someone into GOR, it is the “Scientology” version of BDSM… just walk away from them.
